Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
