Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
