I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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