i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
