Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
