Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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