And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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