plz talk dirty to me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
