Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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