your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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