we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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