Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
