The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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