Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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