I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I need a beard to bite.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
