Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
