I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
