i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
