My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
