I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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