Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
