You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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