I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
