Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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