i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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