Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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