Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
