Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
