I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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