I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
