his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
