I love black thongs
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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