im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
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