I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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