they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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