Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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