Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
being pregnant is like rehab
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
