Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
