On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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