Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
