I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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