she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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