Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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