I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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