Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
