Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
