im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
