Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
