Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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