Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
