I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You can't just leave with hair like that
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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