I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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