Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
