You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
