I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
