My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
