Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
