I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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