How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When are your genitals available?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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