I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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