I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
