Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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