Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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