The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
