woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
