Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
