Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
